In the last 6 days I have walked through all the scariest things I could think of for my current season in life. There are many other things I have listed already to write about on this blog from this week; but for tonight, for all the ways I feel I must let go right now, even these scary things I want to remember.
· Hearing the doctor say again “let me have another doctor look with me”
· The stillness of an ultrasound
· The words “no heartbeat”
· Giving birth to my first child
· Contractions
· Three attempts at an IV, one blown vein
· Being induced
· Facing the very real possibility of severe bleeding because of my son’s condition and his short cord
· Telling my parents their grandson has died
· Getting an epidural
· Feeling milk arrive for a child who will never need it
· Holding my first baby who won’t feel my touch
· Talking to my baby who cannot hear my voice
· Planning a funeral for my own child
· Choosing what will go in my son’s casket
· Feeling my heart break in a way I have never, ever known
· Longing so deeply for something that can simply never be
Not all things this week are this sad and scary. God has been present through each of these, as have many loving people. But tonight my heart is lamenting and heavy. I cannot fool it, nor do I want to. Even David poured out his heart in honesty before the Lord. For though these things have been scary and real, yet I still set my eyes on Him.
Thinking of you still, Kimberly. Praying for your body–your empty arms, your milk, your recovering from labor–as it too finds closure in the next days and weeks and months. Praying for your mind and soul as well. That your grief and mourning would come and clean. I know that God is with you and Jeff and that Jesus came to heal the brokenhearted and comfort those who mourn. May you feel God's parenting arms as they hold you and Jeff so close. Taryn