Proverbs 31: A Modern Parody

proverbs 31

10 A satisfied woman, who can find?
She has far too many pinterest ideas than life’s timetable affords her to complete.

11 The heart of her husband wonders what she may think up next,
he will have no lack of new ideas from her.

12 She begins many good projects in their home,
all the days of his life.

13 She seeks chia and flax seed,
and creates endless smoothies in their high-powered blender.

14 She navigates Amazon like a prime queen,
bringing packages to their doorstep in just 2 days.

15 She rises while it is still night,
nursing the baby,
fumbling in exhaustion come daylight.

16 She considers a craigslist post and buys it.
With the fruit of his hands, she plans another project.

17 She dresses herself in yoga pants (everyday)
and let’s the kids dress themselves.

18 She perceives that her merchandise is profitable;
she sells it on all the online portals.

19 She is too good for no task,
vomit, feces, phlegm, and snot have nothing on her.

20 She opens her hands to whoever is right in front of her,
and loves them as best as she can.

21 She is terrified of snowmageddon,
winters with young children are scarring even if they are dressed in red.

22 She makes her bed as often as she can,
her clothes are sometimes put away from the laundry basket.

23 Her husband is known as the one who circles the parking lot in a minivan
while she runs into just “one more store.”

24 She brews kombucha five gallons at a time,
she knows how expensive it is to purchase.

25 Afternoon homemade iced lattes are her mainstay,
she laughs as she watches videos on facebook.

26 She opens her mouth with wisdom
And tells her husband how much of it she has for him.

27 She ensures grass-fed hot dogs in her refrigerator,
but eats not buns because she cannot eat grains.

28 Her children rise up (too early) and call her “MOMMY!!”
Her husband gets up instead.

29 “Many women have young children, but few re-do the bathroom, write articles, blog, meal plan, run errands, take classes, do laundry, and still have energy to think up more projects.

30 [In our society] Perfection is praised, and beauty is all that matters,
but a woman who knows she is deeply loved by God will find internal rest.

31 Give her a vacation alone to Hawaii,
and may her home be in good order and her children well-behaved when she returns.