There are two ways I see Jonan Eilam when I close my eyes. Both are the same physically. He has the same body that could not hold his heart, the same muscular legs, the same head that struggled to close, the same gorgeous feet and toes, the same little nose, and the same right arm that I just love. But my heart sees his one of two ways depending on the place I am in.
The first one is when I am sad and weeping. When I close my eyes and see him I see him as helpless. I see him with a body that was not able to sustain life. I see my son who I wish I could have helped. I feel helpless. I wish it could have been different for him. These are the only times I have asked God why. He is so precious, why Lord, did it have to be this way? I tell Jonan I am so sorry. I love you. I would have done whatever I could, but that was not the way God had. I feel like the amount of love I have for him alone should have made it all better, but this was not the way God had. God had a call on Jonan’s life that I was called to respect and help accomplish, not to change. Joy and deep sorrow. I feel aching from a place I didn’t know I had inside of me.
The second way of seeing him is when I see him and I feel so proud. I see a boy that should not have lived as long as he did; a boy with strength to bring glory to God in his powerlessness that most have not done in their power. I see my first son with my amazing husband Jeff. I see he has Jeff’s legs and gorgeous feet. I see a miracle of only a half-pound. I see that he is real, he was not just contents. I see God’s miraculous way of taking love between a man and woman and creating life. I even see a little bum that would never get spanked. I see beauty, such beauty. I feel overwhelming gushes of love that I have never known I would feel in my life. Oh, what love.
These are the two ways I see him when I close my eyes.