I awake this morning with a bit of fear again. I haven’t felt Jonan in a couple days…I miss that. The specialist told me yesterday on the phone that is normal; even for fully forming babies regular movement isn’t felt consistently until about 24 weeks, I am in week 22. She was, however, sympathetic to my fears. I so want to feel him this morning. I want him to kick me. When will I ever say that again?
I cry out to God this morning, I am crying now. I read Psalm 139 this morning, as Jonan feels so distant to me in a way I don’t like and I am reminded by this Psalm that he is real, and he is seen by God:
“O LORD, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.
For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you , when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.”
Jonan is seen, known, and being formed by God. I love the Bible. For all the ways it challenges me, it also comforts me. I am thankful for both. True, I don’t know how Jonan is doing today, but this Psalm is nonetheless true. It has been true since the day of conception.
I named this post “Carry Me” because of this overwhelming desire I have this morning to know I am still carrying Jonan this morning. I want to do that for him and don’t feel ready to let go. I put a song on with the same name “Carry Me” ← (click here for the link). It is a prayer sung out to God to be carried through difficult times. A cry to be close to Him. If I, a mother who, yes, loves her son (but I not God or even close!) desire to carry my son in this physically challenging time for him…how much more can I have the assurance that God will carry me, the daughter He sees, knows, and has formed in love?